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All weekend

 

HOUSE AND GARDEN FESTIVAL:  The Art & Antiques Fair Olympia, HOUSE, Spirit of Summer and GROW London come together to create one big event, the House & Garden Festival. It's a celebration of quality craftsmanship, interior design, and garden trends. This Saturday and Sunday, PopUp Painting will also be pitching up to help you unleash your creativity. Olympia London, from £16, book ahead, 10.30am-5.30pm, 20-24 June

STREATHAM FOOD FESTIVAL: Go on a south London carb crawl that won't break the bank. 38 Streatham eateries are offering mini taster dishes for a fiver or less as part of Streatham Food Festival. Don't forget to pick up a score card for the chance to win a slap up meal for two. Various venues, £2-£5 per dish, just turn up, 21-24 June

ART HOUSE OPEN STUDIOS: Richmond upon Thames' art extravaganza returns to show off the borough's wealth of creative talent. Dozens of local artists will be opening up their homes and studios to showcase their work across a variety of mediums, including painting, printmaking, wood sculpture, jewellery, and ceramics. Various venues, free, just turn up, 22-24 June

STREATLIFE FOOD FESTIVAL: Fantastic street food, tip top drinks and stunning views over London - what's not to like? StrEATlife food festival at Alexandra Palace also has a DJ set by Edwin from FOALS on Saturday night, making it an ideal way to spend a summer weekend. Alexandra Palace, free entry (bring cash for the stalls), just turn up, 23-24 June (and other dates throughout the summer)

DANCE SHOW: Let choreographer Arielle Smith transport you to a 1940s soundscape in her first full length work, Lots of Varied Expectations. A study of human nature through dance, this performance explores how our own expectations can often limit us. Rosemary Branch Theatre (Haggerston), £10, book ahead, 23-24 June

CHARITY SHUCK-A-THON: There are a whopping 6,000 oysters waiting to be shucked at London Seafood Festival. See shuckers, chefs, and industry experts working their magic at The Wright Brothers' charity-shuck-a-thon, and then dig into three shells of slippery 'n salty goodness. Battersea Power Station, entry by charitable donation, just turn up, 2pm-6pm, 23-24 June

 Saturday 23 June

 

SEVEN NOSES: It's said that anyone who find all seven of the Soho noses will have infinite wealth. To us, that sounds like one heck of a reason to join this Seven Noses walking tour with Discovering London tour guide Peter Berthoud. As well as seeing the original seven noses, you'll see a bonus grand eighth nose, and a ghost nose, hearing the myths surrounding them as you go. Covent Garden station, £13, book ahead, 10am-noon

THAMESIDE TALES: Check out the old stomping ground of Bermondsey boys Michael Caine and Tommy Steele on a walking tour that takes you back to wartime Southwark. You'll explore the river, its people, and the more recent history of the docks. Meet at Bermondsey tube station, £6, book ahead, 11am-1pm

CINDERELLA AT THE MUSEUM: Inspired by Matthew Bourne's acclaimed wartime retelling of Cinderella, a group of dancers are pirouetting over to the atrium of the Imperial War Museum for a series of free, site-specific performances. See stories of family, evacuation, and community interspersed with the real-life testimonies of second world war evacuees. Imperial War Museum (Lambeth), free, just turn up, performances 11am-3pm

EAST VILLAGE WELLNESS DAY: Feeling tense? Loosen yourself up with a programme of free yoga and wellbeing workshops. From baby yoga to mandala making, there's something for everyone. Victory Park (Stratford), free, just turn up, 11am-4pm

RUSKIN PARK SUMMER FETE: There's nothing like a good old fashioned British fete. Expect donkey rides, a pop-up cinema, arts workshops, and all sorts of fun to be had under Ruskin Park bandstand. Ruskin Park (Denmark Hill), free entry, just turn up, 1pm-6pm

BEING THE BLUESTOCKINGS: Learn about the literary ladies of the Bluestocking Society with deputy curator of Dr Johnson's House, Helen Woollison. You'll discover how female writers fought to have their voices heard in the 18th century and beyond. Dr Johnson's House (Gough Square), included in museum admission, just turn up, 2pm

MEMORY LIBRARY: Let the whiff of chilli and paprika take you across the Atlantic at this new sensory theatre show built on the memories of London migrants. You'll hear stories and experience flavours from all over the globe, and be given the opportunity to share your own memories. The Old Library (Camberwell), free but charity donation encouraged, book ahead, 3pm-5pm

WALLS MUST FALL: As part of Refugee Week 2018, Quakers in Britain hosts an evening of spoken word, music and resistance. Featured artists include Hejira, The Nawi Collective, and Bards Without Borders. Friends House (Euston), £5, book ahead, 6pm-9pm

DAEMONIA NYMPHE: Following collaborations with the National Theatre of Northern Greece and fashion house Gucci, Daemonia Nymphe return to London for their first live show in three years. This ethereal world music ensemble will be playing the score to Macbeth, as well as new fragments of ancient Greek music, performed on 'ancient' Greek instruments. O2 Academy Islington, £17, book ahead, 6pm

THE KING AND I: It's 1860s Bangkok, and an unconventional relationship is blossoming between the King of Siam and a certain British schoolteacher. One of the greatest golden age musicals comes from to the West End from Broadway in the form of Lincoln Center Theater's critically acclaimed production of Rodger and Hammerstein's The King and I. Expect sumptuous costumes, the score you know and love, and plenty of romance. The London Palladium, from £29,50, book ahead, until 29 September

 Sounds Like London: our picks this weekend

June brings the Mayor of London's Sounds Like London campaign to the capital — a month-long celebration of both women in music and London's grassroots music scene. Here's our pick of this weekend's Sounds Like London events.

SPIZZ ENERGI: Feel the heat, feel the fun at Spizz Energi's punky reggae party, with a dash of paganism and a hint of sci-fi. Your guess is as good as ours. Dublin Castle, £8.80, 7.30pm, 23 June

SEVEN DIALS SOUNDTRACK: Spend your day in a thankfully traffic-free Seven Dials, for free music, food, a music themed tombola and much more. Seven Dials, free, noon- 6pm, 23 June

GIRLS TO THE FRONT: One of the most exciting things about Sounds Like London is its championing of female artists, and this gig is emblematic of that. From indie folk to seductive jazz, Girls to the Front has it all covered. Green Note, £13.75, 5.30pm, 24 June

JAH WOBBLE: Music industry mainstay and ex-Public Image Limited member Jah Wobble, brings his incredibly named backing group, Invaders of the Heart, to the Half Moon in Putney. Half Moon, £18.70, 8pm, 24 June

 Sunday 24 June

 

CITY OF LONDON CEMETERY: Unearth the secrets of the City of London Corporation's Cemetery and Crematorium on a guided history walk though its Grade I listed grounds. Manor Park, free, book ahead, 10am

KEEPY UPPY: The beautiful game gets the theatrical treatment in a football-themed play for kids featuring popping rhymes, fab footie moves and a toe tapping live score. Artsdepot (Finchley), £8, book ahead, 11am/2pm

HIGHGATE HISTORY TOUR: There's so much more to the north London neighbourhood of Highgate than posh mums and Karl Marx's grave, as you'll find out on a walking tour that traces its early history and 20th century experiments in urban living. Meet on the Green opposite the Woodman pub, £12, book ahead, 11.30am-1.30pm

DINOSAUR ART: OKIDO'S science and art workshops help stimulate curious little minds through creative play and scientific experiment. Bring your 3-7 year-old to Dulwich for their dino-themed session. Copper Beech Cafe (Red Post Hill), £8, book ahead, 11.45am-4.30pm

WOMEN IN WESTMINSTER: An exciting line-up of female political voices discusses the impact of #MeToo in the context of contemporary British politics. Featured speakers include FT columnist Kate Maltby, former Ed Miliband advisor Ayesha Hazarika, and former political journo Jackie Ashley. King's Place (King's Cross), £14.50, book ahead, noon

LONDON RIVERS WEEK: Become a dragonfly detective, have a go at river dipping, and find out how you can help protect the city's waterways as London Rivers Week launches. This is the first of seven days of events dedicated to the appreciation and conservation of London's life-giving water. Meet by the cafe at Ladywell Park (Lewisham), free, just turn up, noon-3pm

BANKSIDE'S GREAT GET TOGETHER: This day-long street party in honour of late MP Jo Cox returns to Bankside for the second year running. Expect wacky races, a headdress parade and an amazing human tower. From Flat Iron Square to Union Street, free entry, just turn up, noon-9pm

ARCHITOUR: With your museum passport in hand, get ready to travel through time, space, and architecture in the three Georgian terraces that comprise Sir John Soane's Museum. On this free self-led tour, you'll encounter the Egyptian sarcophagus, Greek columns, Roman sculpture, Renaissance reliefs and neo-classical portraiture in an exploration of architectural identity. Sir John Soane's Museum (Lincoln's Inn Fields), free, just turn up, 1pm-4pm

CONWAY HALL CONCERT SPECIAL: In 1887, Conway Hall began providing a rare platform for female musicians in the form of special concerts held on the day of rest. Now, they're taking you all the back to the late 19th century with a programme of chamber music entirely composed by British women in the early years of the Sunday Concerts. Conway Hall (Holborn), £10, book ahead, 6.30pm-8.30pm

 

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TEA AND HISTORY: Many happy returns to St Pancras International, which turns 150 this year and is inviting you to get in on the celebrations. Hear fascinating tales from the station's long and illustrious history, before digesting your new-found knowledge with a traditional afternoon tea atFortnum & Mason. St Pancras International, £45, book ahead, 21 May-15 June

BOMBSHELL: Some say funny woman Tiff Stevenson oscillates wildly between Sylvia Plath and Beyonce. Others think of her as more of a drunken aunt type. Decide for yourself at her critically acclaimed eighth solo show, in which she takes on a world on fire. Soho Theatre, £10-£15, 8.45pm, 21-26 May SCI-FI DOUBLE FEATURE: Binge the best in science fiction theatre from Horatio Productions. They're hosting five days of talks, Q&As, and plays exploring robotics, AI, genetic engineering, and all sorts of other imagined futures. The Space Arts Centre (Isle of Dogs), from £12, book ahead, 22-26 May

THE CHESS PLAYER: After stealing a book of chess matches while held in solitary confinement within a Nazi jail, a prisoner divides his consciousness into two feuding chess masters. On his escape, he dares himself to take on the greatest player in the world. This contemporary reimagining of Stefan Zweig's classic novella won rave reviews at the Edinburgh Fringe. OSO Arts Centre (Barnes), £15, book ahead, 8pm, 22-26 May

Monday 21 May

PARK YOGA: Ditch the gym in favour of some alfresco exercise amid the natural beauty of Hyde Park. Avni Dhanani, a qualified yoga practitioner specialising in Ashtanga and Vinyasa, is hosting this series of fortnightly sessions to help you find a moment of calm and connect with nature while working out. The LookOut (Hyde Park), £15, book ahead, 6.30pm-8pm

MEMOIR OF A MURDERER: The tables have turned on Byung-su, a ruthless serial killer turned elderly Alzheimer's sufferer for whom remembering his past becomes a matter of life and death. This fragmented thriller was a big hit a the Korean box office — see what you make of it at this teaser screening. Regent Street Cinema, £8, book ahead, 7pm-9.30pm

SEE YOU IN HELL: Three strangers wake to find themselves in a dark room with little else but an audience watching them (that's you!) and a malevolent host who's giving nothing away. Naturally, they assume they've ended up in hell. Follow these lost souls as they try to figure out how and why they died in Tales from the Phantasmagoria, a new improvised horror-comedy. Old Red Lion Theatre (Islington), £10, book ahead, 7.30pm

Tuesday 22 May

YEAST IN THE EAST: Dough not miss out on this crash course in bread-making, where you'll learn how to whip up all manner of sourdough goodies. From Middle Eastern focaccia, to lavender sourdough, there's plenty to sink your teeth into. Plus they'll let you bring your own booze. HOST of Leyton, £37, book ahead, 6.30pm-10pm

WALKING WITH WOLLSTONECRAFT: Explore Southwark through the eyes of revolutionary feminist hero Mary Wollstonecraft. On a stroll that takes you from the banks of the River Thames to St Paul's Courtyard, you'll discover 18th century London in a radical new light. Meet at Southwark tube station, £6, book ahead, 6pm-8pm

COMPLICITE COOKS: Spices and sweetness collide at this evening of stories, cooking, music, and tastings all the way from Syria. Pals and passionate cooks Dina Mousawi and Itab Azzam will demonstrate recipes from their acclaimed cookbook Syria: Recipes From Home, while telling tales of the women they met along the way. Tara Theatre (Earlsfield), £17.50, book ahead, 7.30pm

PAINT LIKE BANKSY: You don't need to venture out under the cover of darkness, stencils in hand, to paint like the world's most illusive and iconic street artist. Instead create a masterpiece themed around the Banksy-inspired Umbrella Girl by Charlotte Ellinas while drinking wine at an elegant Victorian bistro. Davy's (Canary Wharf), £27.99, book ahead, 7.30pm-10pm

Wednesday 23 May

FLORISTRY MASTERCLASS: Aptly-named florist Lizzie Thorne is here to show you the tricks of the trade. Make a beautiful bouquet of expertly arranged fresh flowers in a vase to add a touch of sophistication to your gaff. Martello Hall (Hackney), £40.75, book ahead, 6.30pm-8.30pm

PRONOUN TROUBLE: Ben Moor's stream-of-consciousness stand-up show covers his favourite words, Chuck Jones cartoons, and the conflicting denominations of launderettes and laundrettes. Don't worry about getting lost, though — there's an accompanying powerpoint presentation to keep you on track. Hen & Chickens Theatre Bar (Highbury Corner), £8.50, book ahead, 7.30pm-8.30pm, until 1 June

TJ JOHNSON: Hear songs of love lost and gained, performed with the boozy swagger of someone who has been there, done that and got the t-shirt. TJ Johnson, one of the UK's finest jazz and blues singers , brings his backing band of top British musicians to London. St Martin in the Fields (Trafalgar Square), £15, book ahead, 8pm-10pm

Thursday 24 May

FRIDA KAHLO ART SALON: Explore the style, loves and art of the 'Frida Phenomenon' over coffee and pastries at this early morning art salon. Dr Marie-Anne Mancio will discuss the work of Frida Kahlo, as well as an indomitable cult of personality that evolved in the 60 years following her death. Art Workers' Guild (Bloomsbury), £25, book ahead, 9.45am-12pm

SOHO IN STREET NAMES: What are the stories behind Soho's famous streets? Discover industrial glories, multicultural influences and architectural dreams at this history lesson in Soho's street names. Society of Genealogists (Islington), £8, book ahead, 2pm-3pm

HANDLEBARDS: All the world really is a stage at this bicycle-powered production of Twelfth Night (yes, we know that's an As You Like It misquote — poetic licence!) The world's first cycling theatre company is pedalling into Dulwich for an evening of cross-dressing, frivolity and (possibly pretend) drunkenness. JAGS Sports Club (Dulwich), £15, book ahead, 6.30pm

A UNIQUE CINEMA EXPERIENCE: Think all cinemas are the same? Think again: this one has got to be the coolest in the capital. Head down the 190-year-old, Grade II* listed Rotherhithe shaft — used by Brunel to aid construction of the Thames tunnel — for a film screening like no other. Brunel Museum (Rotherhithe) £25, book ahead, 6.30pm-10pm (partner)

MUSICAL BINGO: Champagne, vintage records, and inflatable bananas are up for grabs in a game where every tune you tick off gets you one step closer to bingo. So listen carefully for a chance to get your hands on a decidedly mixed bag of prizes. Drink, Shop & Do (King's Cross), £15/£18, book ahead, 7.30pm-11.30pm

Friday 25 May

 

FERIA DE LONDRES: It may not be Spain, but for one weekend only you can experience the vitality of a traditional Andalusian Feria right here in London. Prepare to be wowed by Flamenco dance displays, dine on tapas, and learn how to sip sherry like a pro at the colourful casetas popping up along the Southbank. Bernie Spain Gardens (Southbank), free entry, just turn up, 25-27 May

TIGER MOTH: Fans of folk, gypsy, and swing will be drawn to this gig like a moth to the flame. Clamber aboard Francis Drake's old ship to hear Tiger Moth's eclectic mix of tunes from the world over. The Golden Hinde (Bankside), £7.50/£10, book ahead, 7pm-10pm

PRINCE PARTY: Get ready to party like it's 1999 as Hideaway Jazz Club pays tribute to His Purple Highness. David McAlmont and Natasha Watts star on vocals as they tear through the rich back catalogue of the pop legend that is Prince. Hideaway Jazz Club (Streatham), £17.50, book ahead, 7pm-11.30pm

Saturday 26 May

 

SÉANCE: Do you dare place your hands on Agnes Guppy's spine-tingling ouija board? Who knows what lost souls this famed Victorian medium will conjure up from the depths of the dungeon. The London Dungeon (Lambeth), £30, book ahead, 10am-6pm, until 3 June

STORY TIME: Little ones can make beautiful masks while listening to songs and folktales with storytellers Chitra Soundar and Poonam Mistry. Be transported to a stormy night in an Indian forest at this reading of their new book, You're Safe With Me. Discover Children's Story Centre (Stratford), £7, book ahead, 2pm

THE GREAT GATSBY: Go full on glitz with an immersive screening of The Great Gatsby. With swinging tunes, dapper guys and flapper gals, and a bar overflowing with bootleg beverages, Prohibition has never felt so good. Upstairs at The Ritzy Cinema (Brixton), £20, book ahead, 2pm-5pm

CHERING IS CARING: How does one begin to honour the 72nd birthday of the absolute icon and indisputable Queen of Twitter that is Cher? Resistance Gallery have got you (babe). Expect high end Cherlesque, piggyback proffering cannon men, and campy costumes galore. Resistance Gallery (Bethnal Green), £5, book ahead, 7.30pm

Sunday 27 May

BLASÉ MUSIC CLUB: Blasé by name, but, by the looks of this line-up, probably not blasé by nature. Afrobeat, jazz and electronica will be setting the great arches of Kachette aflame, with Anglo-Mauritian producer, singer and percussionist Mo Kolours headlining. Katchette (Shoreditch), £20, book ahead, 12pm-12am

NOT SO BASIC BRUNCH: Suffering from brunch fatigue? Add some pizzazz to the most delightfully indulgent meal of the day with the help of drag cabaret act The Paramount Sisters and classically trained dancer Margo Marshall. Prepare to be dazzled while you drink delicious cocktails and demolish pies from Pizza East (fear not, brunch purists, there's also avo on toast). Concrete Space (Shoreditch), £25, book ahead, noon-3pm

JAMILA JOHNSON-SMALL: Round off your Sunday with a cracking piece of performance theatre from Jamila Johnson-Small. The London-based artist and dancer will be coming to Reliance Square to reveal the things that exist in between cracks in time, memory and attention. Reliance Square (New Inn Yard), £10, book ahead, 9pm

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All weekend

Grab some makeshift tools and let the clay do the talking at London Craft Week.

COCOA RUNNERS: Sample rare, single-origin chocolates, meet the finest bean-to-bar producers and learn which wines best match your favourite sweet treats at a pop up market dedicated to all things cocoa. Canopy Market (King's Cross), free entry, book ahead for some events, 11-13 May

PIZZA FESTIVAL: Whether you're a pizza purist or a closet Hawaiian fan (hey, no judgement), there's plenty to get excited about at a festival dedicated to the world's greatest pie. With your ticket including unlimited pizza, it'd be a crime not to come and grab a slice of the action. Porchester Hall (Notting Hill), £15, book ahead, 11-13 May

WHISKY WEEKENDER: If all that talk of food has left you wanting something to wash it down with, look no further than The London Whisky Weekender 2018. Whisky connoisseurs from all over the world are coming to Kennington for three dram-atic days of tastings from the finest distillers. Kia Oval (Kennington), £45-£50, book ahead, 11-13 May

KIDS LITERATURE FESTIVAL: Budding young bookworms will feel right at home at Barnes Children's Literature Festival. Kids lit heavyweights including Judith Kerr, Cressida Cowell, Axel Scheffler, Lily Cole, and Sophie Kinsella will be in attendance, and there are plenty of family-friendly activities to get stuck into (an all-singing, all-dancing, Matilda musical theatre workshop, anyone?) Various venues (Barnes), £5, book ahead, 11-13 May

TOOL TO TABLE: Transform a slab of clay into a beautiful and functional work of art with the help of Collective Matter. As part of London Craft Week, you'll fashion your own tools out of their collection of bric-a-brac and create a coil-moulded plate, a delicate-pinched egg cup, or whatever piece of tableware takes your fancy. After the workshop, your prized crockery will be fired for you to collect and keep. Sugarhouse Studios (Bermondsey), £25, book ahead, 11am-5pm, 12-13 May

Spice up your weekend at Chang Sensory Trails

Not got a trip planned for this year?

Chang Beer is inviting you to get a taste of Thailand, and you don’t even need to leave London.

Their multi-sensory foodie event, Chang Sensory Trails, is completely free to attend, and it's returning to London this year as part of a four-city tour.

Foodies can expect a delectable line-up of the best Thai food in town, with eight top restaurants taking part. Each of them will be serving up a delicious signature dish, with a mix of music and art for you to experience too, all washed down with a refreshing Chang beer, of course.

Chang Sensory Trails takes place on 12 May, noon until 10pm, at Last Days of Shoreditch. Entrance to the event is free but register your interest on their Facebook page to ensure you don’t miss out.


Saturday 12 May

Soak up Parisian jazz bar vibes at Nowhere Nights.

INDIE MUSIC MARKET: Vinyl + beer = good times. Independent music labels like !K7, 4AD, Bella Union and Big Dada (to name but a few) are taking over Old Spitalfields Market to show off their freshest produce, while you enjoy a drink courtesy of the city's finest indie brewers. Old Spitalfields Market, free entry, just turn up, 10am-6pm

BACK TO THE FORTIES: Hope you've been perfecting your victory rolls. Brooklands Museum is throwing it all the way back to the 1940s with a day of vintage glamour, including a classic car display, a period costume sale and a dazzling dance competition. Brooklands Museum (Weybridge), £15, book ahead, 10am-9pm

POSTCARDS IN THE PARK: Travel back in time to an age where it was impossible to check in with your loved ones at the touch of the button. Over two billion letters and 140 million parcels passed through Regent's Park to keep soldiers connected with their families during the first world war — find out how all that was made possible at an interactive, immersive outdoor exhibition here for just one day. Cumberland Green (Regent's Park), free, just turn up, 11am-3pm

CREATURE CREATIONS: Keep the kids occupied with arty activities at the Grant Museum of Zoology, which is creating a paper menagerie inspired by the weird and wonderful specimens that call it home. Grant Museum of Zoology (Bloomsbury), free, just turn up, 1.30pm-4.30pm

SLO-MO STROLL: Experience London at a gentler pace with a guided walk along the Strand, Trafalgar Square, and Covent Garden that encourages you to experience stillness in a city that seemingly never stops. Meet by Cleopatra's Needle (Victoria Embankment), £15, book ahead, 2pm-4pm

EUROVISION: Yep, it's that time of year again. Find out where London's best Eurovision screenings and parties are taking place, and get booking.

NOWHERE NIGHTS: Step into a Bohemian underworld of performance poetry and Parisian Jazz. The latest edition of Nowhere Nights features Parsimonius Monk, Antonia King, and Gabriele Pollina on the handpan. Bedales (Leadenhall Market), £11.07, book ahead, 7pm-10.30pm

COMEDY CARNIVAL: The Green Milk Comedy Carnival is in town for just one night of psychedelic clowning around. As well as a stellar line up of comedy talent, there will be funfair games, festival punch, and possibly even a bubble machine. 2Northdown (King's Cross), £10-£12, book ahead, 8pm-10.30pm


Sunday 13 May

Belshazzar's Feast brings you traditional folk music that's a cut above the rest.

FORTY HILLS FARMERS' MARKET: A brand new farmers' market is coming to Enfield, bringing with it seasonal veg, rare breed meat and award-winning locally produced wine. Pooches on leads are welcome. Forty Hall Estate (Enfield), free entry, just turn up, 10am-5pm

MAKE AND DO: Kids' science magazine Okido is running creative workshops for little ones all spring. This month's theme is animals, and grown-ups are welcome to stick around the cosy bookshop and browse the tomes during their child's hour-long slot. Telling Tales Shop (Hackney), £8, book ahead, 10.30am-4pm

PUPPET PARTY: Mr Punch is turning the ripe old age of 356 — celebrate with him at the Covent Garden May Fayre, featuring plenty of puppet shows, marionette making and maypole dancing. St Paul's Church Garden (Covent Garden), free, just turn up, 11am-5pm

GBBO BRUNCH: Feast on baked eggs, tangy sourdough, chocolate babka and seasonal fruit crumble cooked up by the very first Great British Bake Off winner Edd Kimber. It's all for charity, and you'll go home with a tote and a treat. Good and Proper Tea (Clerkenwell), £37, book ahead, 12.45pm-2pm

PINE TREE PLOD: London Spiral Walk, an epic 300 mile stomp exploring London from the inside out has reached its outer circle, exploring where the home counties melt into the metropolis. Wander past tall trees, aerodromes, and centuries-old buildings, as you make your way from Hatch End to Ruislip. Meet at Hatch End station (Hillingdon), free, just turn up, 1pm

SAVING DEMOCRACY: Get ready to question everything you ever thought about democratic decision-making. Paul Evans, author of Save Democracy — Abolish Voting leads this talk on the flaws in our democratic process and attempts to offer an alternative way for people to really have their say. Conway Hall (Holborn), £8, book ahead, 3pm-4.30pm

BELSHAZZAR'S FEAST: Folk duo Belshazzar's Feast bring their wry humour, pop inflections and hints of classical and jazz to Walthamstow Folk Club for a unique live experience you won't be forgetting in a hurry. Ye Olde Rose & Crown Theatre Pub (Walthamstow), £13, book ahead, 7.30pm

 

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All weekend

Find a boot-iful selection of vintage wares in King’s Cross.

LONDON ESOTERIC: It’s Month of the Dead at Brompton Cemetery, where you’ll find all manner of workshops, talks and concerts dedicated to the weird, the wonderful and the otherworldly. This year’s highlights include a hypnosis how-to, adventures in LSD, and an introduction to the cemetery’s very own time machine. Your ticket includes a Hendrick’s gin cocktail. Brompton Cemetery, £12, book ahead, 27-29 April

CONCRETE DREAMS: 1960s architecture has a bit of a bad rep, despite housing one of London’s best cultural events venues — the Southbank Centre. Head to Queen Elizabeth Hall for a celebration of these buildings’ rich and varied histories, with contemporary dance performances, classical Indian music, five decades’ worth of poetry and much more. Southbank Centre, free entry, book ahead for some events, 27-29 April

CLASSIC CAR BOOT SALE: Lovers of all things vintage, this one’s for you. Take a peek at the bonniest bonnets in London and pick yourself up some serious bargains at Classic Car Boot. As well as the best vintage vehicles on display, you’ll also find tasty street food, impromptu performances and roaming theatre, plus the festival’s brand new bike bazaar. Granary Square and West Handyside Canopy (King’s Cross), £5, just turn up, 10am-6pm, 28 April-29 April

IMPERIAL FESTIVAL: Ever wanted to take on a robotic arm at air hockey, or compose beautiful music using only your brain waves? You can at Imperial College London’s free weekend of discovery for all ages. The uni’s annual festival will be chock full of demos, workshops and live experiments for you to get involved in, as well as live performances and snacks courtesy of London’s best street food vendors. Imperial College London (South Kensington), free, just turn up, 12pm-6pm, 28 April-29 April

PROFESH: New commissions from artist Arvida Bystrom, ceramist Louise Madzia and vintage sunglasses collector Seda Sezen take centre stage at an exhibition that presents their pieces as workspace installations to give insights into their respective creative processes. The show is complemented by a market place that includes a jewellery vending machine, handcrafted perfumes, and pop culture-inspired embroidery from talented indie designers. Galeria Melissa (Covent Garden), free, book ahead, 10am-6pm, 28-29 April

Saturday 28 April

Enjoy a totally barmy bingo experience at Balham Bowls Club.

EMBASSY GARDENS MARKET: Nine Elms’ hottest artisan food and drink pop up is back to bring you a springtime selection of locally-sourced food and drink from some of the capital’s finest vendors. You’ll also be treated to a performance from Swedish singer Axel Johnson and professional beatboxer Dana Mckeon. New Union Square (Nine Elms), free entry, just turn up, 10am-5pm

PLANT FAIR: Find your new favourite succulent or add a tasty treat to your edible garden at London’s first plant fair of the season. Whether you have a garden, balcony, allotment, or windowsill, you’ll find something to suit your space at the Garden Museum, which brings together green goodies from Britain’s best nurseries. Garden Museum (Lambeth), £5, book ahead, 10am-6pm

BONKERS BINGO & BRUNCH: Experience bingo like never before at Go Bonkers’ Bingo Brunch. Comedy cabaret artiste SuZanna GonZo hosts, bringing you extra game rounds, a decidedly mixed bag of prizes and top notch hilarity while you munch on smashed avocado and poached eggs. Balham Bowls Club (Balham), £8/£15 inc. brunch, book ahead, 11am-2pm

WIKI EDIT-A-THON: Help literally rewrite history at this Wikipedia edit-a-thon. You’ll be improving their coverage of dissidents, suffragists and freedom fighters from across the ages. The National Archives (Kew), free, just turn up, 12pm-4pm

SPICED UP SCI-FI: Venture into new frontiers of science fiction at The British Library. Award-winning journalist Faisal Al-Yafai is beaming up an expert panel of authors to discuss how Arab visionaries are breathing new life into the genre. The British Library, from £3/under 16s go free, book ahead, 2pm-3pm

HOTBOX LAUNCH: From DNB to dubstep, and from garage to grime Hotbox is shacking up at Boxpark Croydon for a series of events that explore the full spectrum of bass styles. Today’s launch party features living legend David Rodigan and mystery rapper Casisdead. Boxpark Croydon, £19,50, book ahead, 4pm-11pm

SAUNA SOIRÉE: On the cusp of Beltane (that’s an ancient Gaelic May Day festival, FYI), The Magic Garden and Lost Horizon are throwing a spring sauna party. Dance until the wee hours with a line up of live bands and DJs, and then soothe your muscles in the warmth of the sauna. The Magic Garden (Battersea), £15, book ahead, 7pm-2am

SINGING WITH NIGHTINGALES: Stay up late for a delightfully unusual concert. Folk singer Sam Lee is bringing his human-bird duet inside thee Southbank Centre for a new theatrical experience. Hear the nightingale’s nocturnal song broadcast live as Sam weaves a forest-themed fairytale out of spoken word and song. Southbank Centre, from £15, book ahead, 10pm-1am

Sunday 29 April

Have a good old rummage at The Big London Flea.

MAUSOLEUM OPEN DAY: Explore the Grade II* listed Kilmorey Mausoleum at its open day, with volunteer-led tours and the opportunity to check out the local wildlife. There’ll also be a sale of fauna-friendly plants to keep your garden buzzing. Kilmorey Mausoleum (Richmond), £2, just turn up, 9am-3pm

THE BIG LONDON FLEA: Over 50 vintage traders and local spring cleaners are descending on Dalston for The Big London Flea. Expect homeware, vintage attire, industrial electricals, and all sorts of oddities. Epic Dalston, free entry, just turn up, 11am-6pm

BOOZY BOTTOMLESS ROAST: Is there anything more satisfying than a really good Sunday Roast? Sanctum Soho Hotel are offering a veritable feast of 30 day aged roast rib of beef with all the trimmings, plus a starter of fresh bread with smashed avocado and lobster butter. You’ll also get endless Bloody Marys, passion fruit martinis, or lazy lavender cocktails to wash it all down with. Sanctum Soho Hotel (Warwick Street), £35, book ahead, 11.30am-2.30pm

KIDS DISCO: Introduce your teeny-tiny boppers to some proper tunes at the How Does It Feel Children’s Disco. From indie darlings like Belle & Sebastian, to the psychedelic soul of The Temptations played at a kid-friendly level, it’ll be music to their (and your) ears. The Phoenix (Cavendish Square), from £2, book ahead, 12pm-4pm

EGG TIME: Comedian Jenny Bede can hear the ticking of her biological clock, and it inexplicably sounds just like Jack Bauer from 24. Join her as she explores what it means to be a childless 30-something back in the dating game through a mixture of song, standup and sass. The Bill Murray (Islington), free, just turn up, 2pm-3pm

WOMB TO TOME: Hear from five of the Wellcome Book Prize’s shortlisted authors as they reveal the inspirations behind their critically acclaimed works. From the blood and gore of Victorian surgery to issues of family and fertility in Nigeria, Ayọ̀bámi Adébáyọ̀, Lindsey Fitzharris, Kathryn Mannix, Sigrid Rausing and Meredith Wadman will be discussing life, death and everything in between. Cecil Sharp House (Camden), £11, book ahead, 3pm-4pm

TRIAL OF RICHARD III: Join top criminal barristers, a killer cast of celebrity performers and young people from the nationwide Shakespeare Schools Festival for a unique fundraising event. As Shakespeare’s King Richard III stands trial for many a grisly murder, will you help to change the fate of England’s most notorious monarch? Familiar faces include Hugh Dennis, Tony Gardner and Dave Benson Phillips. Novello Theatre (Aldwych), £23, book ahead, 7pm

Fun things to do with our friends and sponsor Funzing…

How well do you really know London? Visit the streets that inspired Harry Potter locations and see London’s most superstitious hotel. On Matt’s tour you will explore hidden places and discover stories unknown to even the most knowledgeable of Londoners. Get tickets

London is a city of incredible transformation. With structural remains that date back to ancient history still in existence, this unique walking tour takes in Lost London in all its former glory. From the Titanic booking office to the graveyards of man’s best friend, you’ll discover the weird and wonderful places that used to exist in the capital but are now only committed to memory. Using old photographs, newspaper cuttings and stories from the past, you’ll be amazed at what has largely been written out of our history books… Get tickets

Visit old pubs, even older churches, hidden rivers, mysterious tunnels and more on this tour of hidden Londo. You’ll hear tales of the myths and legends which made the City of London what it is today, and find out the area’s links to nursery rhymes and literary figures. Get tickets

Have you visited London’s Roman ampitheatre? What about London’s Medieval market places? Hear weird and wonderful tales of our beautiful city as you take a walking tour, seeing everything from centuries-old churches to the hanging place of William Wallace. Whether you’ve lived here all your life or are visiting for a few days, you’re sure to learn something new about London. Get tickets

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 There was a time when words were used beautifully.These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with  words was still valued before a great portion of The English language was boiled down to four-letter words!

 

The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: 

She said, 'If you were my husband, I'd give you 

poison,' and he said, 'If you were my wife, I'd take it.' 

Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli:

 'Sir, you will either die on the 

gallows or of some unspeakable disease.' 

'That depends, sir,' said Disraeli, 'On whether 

I embrace your policies or your mistress.' 

 

 

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'He had delusions of adequacy.' - Walter Kerr 

'He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.' - Winston Churchill 

'A modest little person, with much to be modest about.' - Winston Churchill 

'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.' - Clarence Darrow 

'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.' - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). 

'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) 

'Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.' - Moses Hadas 

'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.' - Abraham Lincoln 

'I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.' - Mark Twain 

'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.' - Oscar Wilde 

'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one.' - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill 

'Cannot possibly attend the first night, will attend second... if there is one.' - Winston Churchill, in response. 

'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.' - Stephen Bishop 

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.' - John Bright 

'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.' - Irvin S. Cobb 

'He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.' - Samuel Johnson 

'He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up' - Paul Keating 

'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. - 'Jack E. Leonard 

'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.' - Robert Redford 

'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.' - Thomas Brackett Reed 

'In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.' - Charles, Count Talleyrand 

'He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.' - Forrest Tucker 

'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?' - Mark Twain 

'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West 

'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.'- Oscar Wilde 

'He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.' - Andrew Lang (1844-1912) 
'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.' - Billy Wilder 

'I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.' - Groucho Marx

 

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